


Not okay

by chlolou1208



Category: Emmerdale, vanity - Fandom
Genre: Angst, Cancer, Emmerdale - Freeform, F/F, Feels, Fluff, Vanity, soft
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-07
Updated: 2020-04-07
Packaged: 2021-03-01 20:21:41
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,008
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23532988
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chlolou1208/pseuds/chlolou1208
Summary: Charity breaks down in the midst of the cancer storyline.
Relationships: Charity Dingle/Vanessa Woodfield
Kudos: 70





	Not okay

“Oo careful-“

She snapped her head up, feeling the cold stickiness on her hand as she backed away from the overflowing pint, flooding down the surface of the bar and white blazer.

“You wanna watch yourself, you’ll end up wasting more beer than sellin’ it” Nichola’s voice scratched at her ears, whining about a poxy old pint while she scrambled around looking for a cloth to wipe up with.

“Sorry I’ll get ya another” Charity murmured, almost robotically as she pottered around the bar, her eyes out of focus yet staring into thin air. She dunked the cloth in the bucket, her hands not flinching or pulling out of the scolding liquid used to clean the floors, ringing the fabric out before drying off the spillage.

She poured the next pint successfully and shoved the note in the till that Nichola had handed her, pausing for a while before snapping it back shut.

“Charity! You’ll end up breaking that thing if you keep smashing it about like that” Chas appeared next to her then, her hands coming to push charity back away from the till as if she was a child that’s just been reprimanded after getting caught in the sweet jar.

“I do work here so…” Charity bit her lip after forcing out that civil-enough comment, not wanting to cause an argument. She’s had enough of them with Vanessa this week over Charity not wanting to go to Sam and Lydia’s wedding without her. ‘ _I’m not a child, so stop treating me like one’_ Vanessa had snapped at her while having the conversation about missing the next Dingle wedding, her tea that she’d been making went straight down the sink (with the tea bag still in) at Vanessa’s own hand. She’d stormed upstairs after and remained quiet until after dinner, she’d apologised of course, it’s Vanessa, but the sting was still there for Charity, after all she felt useless enough without Vanessa reminding her about it. Even so, she held her fiancé last night in her arms as she’d fell soundly asleep.

“Not like that you won’t be…” Chas points to her torso, hinting at the blouse soaked in beer Charity was wearing, the wet fabric clinging to her skin. Charity looked down, as if only just realising and huffed.

In seconds something in her head snapped, as if there’s been a bubble inside her head filled with all her darkest thoughts,

**“You weren’t there when my sister needed you most, so back off and let me look after her”.**

**“You’re trying too hard.”**

**I can’t do anything to help her.**

…and that bubble had suddenly burst, full to the brim after containing it for all these weeks when Vanessa had needed her to be strong, not a blubbering mess.

“Yeah well you know what!” Charity slams her hand on the bar, ignoring the heads that turn to look in her direction. “I’m done! If you wanna tell me what I can and can’t do in a pub which _I half own_ then you can sod off and run this place yourself!” Charity gathers her coat from the railing in the back and doesn’t even put it on before waltzing back into the front of the pub and heading out the door, Chas’ shouting blocked out as she storms ahead.

**********************************

Vanessa hears the door slam from her and Charity’s bedroom, she frowns knowing her fiancé wasn’t she home until after tea tonight. She also half hopes she’s just popping back for something, maybe a change of shoes as she knows the red heels Charity had slipped on this morning rubbed her little toe if she wears them for too long. This morning she’d try to put on a brave face and declare to Charity, who surprisingly shrugged and said ‘ _yeah whatever you want babe’_ , that she was going to head to the vets and see if she could pick up any work that she could be doing from home. Truth was however that she hadn’t even made it out of bed since Charity had brought her breakfast in it this morning, she’d only made a slice of toast which Vanessa found hard to eat but it was the thought that counted.

Charity hangs her coat up when she arrives home, walking away only to find it had fallen off. She grits her teeth and tries to slow her breaths that come out in angry shudders as she reaches down for the coat and forces it back onto the hook. The frustration radiated off of her body, the floor practically shaking as she stomps across it and into the kitchen. At first she roots through the cupboards to find the wine left over from New Year, but as soon as she does find it she can’t screw the top off which only builds her frustration more and she lets out a scream that echos in the empty kitchen stroke living room. She slides the bottle back in its cupboard and goes to get herself a glass of water. She downs it in one and wipes the edges of her mouth, dribbles of water hanging from her bottom lip.

  
The uncomfortable feel of the beer sodden blouse draws her attention once again and she roughly rips off the blouse leaving her in a black vest top, not bothering to unbutton all the buttons before hand which leads to the blouse getting trapped round her head. She huffs and blows wisps of her hair away from her face, redness glitching her cheeks as she managed to finally rid herself of the clothing. She screws up the blouse and shoves it in the bin, figuring the beer would probably stain anyway and quite frankly she can’t be bothered with going upstairs to the laundry bin.

She feels the tears soak her eyes and before she could sit down on the sofa her face is covered, her hair sticks to her warm and wet cheek, almost like it does when a child is having a tantrum or is upset, Noah’s long hair used to do it all the time, she remembers swiping it back off of his face once as he cried because his favourite toy tractor had broken. She feels the same sadness he had felt as he held something he treasured dearly in his little hands, something that cannot be fixed.

Except the tractor is a person in her situation, it’s Vanessa.

She cries more as she thinks about the cry her fiancé had let out last night when she’d pressed her hand too hard on her stitches, not releasing how tightly she’d been hugging her.

She thinks about Vanessa throwing up in the bathroom at three in the morning, holding her own hair back because she doesn’t want Charity to see her emptying the soup she’d dearly prepared for her, instead Charity had waited outside the door, her forehead resting against the cool wood.

She tries not to remember how Tracy had accused her of not being capable of looking after her own fiancé, hates herself that Vanessa felt smothered by her. Suffocated.

That’s all the can think about though, how yet again the universe is highlighting how Vanessa is too good for Charity, maybe Vanessa doesn’t even realise it herself. But Charity does.

She curses under her breath, drying her eyes as she tries to control herself.

Vanessa opens the bedroom door after slowly getting out of the warm duvet, gasping when she hears a scream. She moves even further towards the hallway, glad that their door doesn’t freak as she opens it further. The soft padding of her slipper covered feet aren’t heard by charity downstairs, so she walks until she reaches the stairs and holds the railing, listening.

Her ears prick up at the sobs and sniffles coming from downstairs, yet she can’t bring herself to move. She feels her own eyes well up, a single tear slipping down her face as Charity continues to cry downstairs on her own.

She shakes her head and rushes downstairs, well rushes as fast as she can stand the sharp pain in her side.

“Oh Charity”

Vanessa tuts and comes round the side of the sofa, sitting as close as she can to her fiancé, who moves quickly to dry her face.

Charity peers up at Vanessa and tries to smile like she hadn’t been sobbing her heart out just a few seconds ago, and she clears her throat.

“Hi babe I-“

“Don’t” Vanessa says, reaching to hold one of Charity’s hands.

“Don’t do that, pretend like you’re ok when you’re not” She says, her eyes starring straight at charity’s.

Charity shakes her head and looks down at their hands.

“Getting déjà vu here babe” Charity tries to laugh but it ends up sounding like an upset scoff, a sniffle that’s halfway being a sob.

She feels her chin being tilted up by Vanessa, whose eyes urge her to say something, to open up in a way Charity only does to Vanessa.

“I shouldn’t feel like this-like the world is crumbling around me, like there’s a massive black hole in my stomach that’s eating away at me, like everyone is against me and like I can’t do anything to help the woman I love more than I do myself…you’re the one with cancer Ness not me” Charity says, her voice trembling.

“…but you do feel like that” Vanessa says.

Charity shrugs and nods once, more tears flowing from her eyes as she looks away from Vanessa again.

Vanessa shuffled further forward, her foot resting on Charity’s as she tangles their feet together, her shin rests on top of Charity’s.

“I’m sorry…” She whispers.

“Ey?” Charity questions, confused.

“That I’ve made you feel like you can’t open up to me about how this is affecting you. I realise that...when Tracy first found out she cried, she wanted me to comfort her and give her a hug, Rhona was so upset too, she ranted about how unfair it all was… But you, you’ve been bottling it up all this time”

Vanessa sighs and tilts Charity’s chin towards her for the third time, leaving her hand gently cupping her cheek.

“I might be the one with cancer but that doesn’t mean I’m the only one who gets to be angry or sad”

Charity sniffles again and swipes her tongue at her bottom lip, the taste of salt left over from crying.

“I just, I want to help you but I can’t and that alone is killing me Ness” She says, wincing at her choice of words.

Vanessa doesn’t seem bothered though because she smiles sadly and shakes her head. She strokes her thumb along Charity’s jawline while her other hand is locked in Charity’s grip.

“But you are helping me! You helped me the other day when you forced yourself to eat that disgusting soup. And when you wheeled me around hospital in that awful wheelchair just so I could leave my room…”

“You enjoyed my expert driving skills”

Charity speaks up with a short laugh which makes Vanessa smile widely.

“Yeah… I did. And I enjoyed playing poker with you at the hospital even though you are the worst poker player I have ever met” Vanessa laughs loudly, a sound that isn’t heard too often recently in Jacobs fold, and Charity beams at her because she loves hearing it.

“When you do stuff like that just to make me smile, if only for a second…it makes me feel like the luckiest woman into the world” Vanessa says, her serious face back on as she leans closer to Charity.

“I do it cus I love ya” Charity kisses her after that.

“I know, I love you too” Vanessa pulls her in to kiss her again.

Charity feels her smiling into it, and it’s like Vanessa’s soft words have erased all the darkness she felt earlier. It’s still there obviously, just like the cancer is, but she knows it’s no match for her and Vanessa.

Together they can beat anything.


End file.
